Lille Lunatic

Lille Lunatichttp://www.lillelunatic.comRantings of an American lunatic in Lille FranceCopyright 2005-2006 Stephen Bergmann LA - The World’s Largest Small Town I’ll readily admit I stole that tag from a coworker. I’ve never been to a place that epitomizes small cities as much as Los Angeles. Except for downtown, LA is a city of sprawl and niche interests. You can be driving through houses or light industry and suddenly find yourself in a quaint downtown area from a by-gone era. Just as suddenly (3-4 blocks, even) and your back in single-family homes, studios or even a blighted area. It’s fascinating and it seems to happen in every little suburb of LA. I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to wander LA for a couple of days and define some of it and here is what I learned. Malibu is of two minds. I decided, despite advice to the contrary, to explore Malibu. The east side is house so close together they must be mating. You can’t even see the ocean unless you own one and parking is a ridiculous experiment in dodging traffic on the PCH. I can’t imagine that’s fun in the morning. You must work from home... alot. But, west Malibu has beautiful vistas, gorgeous properties and quite accessible beaches. Charlie Harper has to live out here somewhere. Commuting would suck, but the view might even make a 2 hour commute worth it, if you had the insane money it would take to live here. Beverly Hills is like an island. It’s quite amazing. I’ve never been to a city that seems to be so walled in as Beverly Hills. One minute you’re driving through West Hollywood, which I admit gets a little run down and then like entering Disney Land, you’re taken to another place entirely. Suddenly everything becomes extremely well-manicured lawns, big houses, expensive cars and wrought-iron accoutrements. Wow. This city is intense. Amazingly, I didn’t think Beverly Hills or Bel Air were much richer, cooler, or exclusive than someplace like Highland Park in Dallas or Memorial in Houston. It was cool, but there’s money in other places... Maybe not as much, but, then again, Texas isn’t as expensive. Let’s talk beaches. Malibu isn’t really a beach community, because the beach is nearly inaccessible. I’d call it a coastal community. Venice Beach and Santa Monica, however, are beach communities and they couldn’t be more different. Where Malibu has crowded shacks and massive mansions, Venice Beach is a community with blocks of small homes, bars and shops. Santa Monica is the slightly upscale cousin to Venice. It lacks the distance from LA of Malibu, but makes up for it in accessibility. Venice is dirty, gritty, hippy. Santa Monica is the politically correct beach up the road. I wouldn’t say that I disliked Venice but I wasn’t enamored with the pot, the crafts and the skaters. I think it’s cool for all that, but I wouldn’t choose to hang there on a Saturday afternoon as much. Santa Monica was bustling and a little more family oriented with the pier, nice facilities and great places to eat and drink (Shutters on the Beach was pretty cool). Downtown LA is growing on me. It’s a boring American downtown for the most part. Nightlife tends to disappear in US downtowns, especially in major cities. Houston, Dallas, and Atlanta are all great examples. Who stays downtown after work? No one! LA like Dallas is working on to get people to stay downtown and sleep, eat and party near work. In a few years, I expect they will have decent clubs down there. For the time being the party is on Sunset. Sunset (W. Hollywood) is a blast, but only during the week. On the weekends, you need VIP reservations and fame (or for women, a perfect body) to get in most places. One Thursday night, we hit the Viper Room, Whiskey A Go-Go, the Roxy and a couple other cool places. But, on the weekend, I could have wasted half the night waiting in line. Just not worth it. (I’ll take Austin’s open bars any night of the week, thanks). I spent a lot of time driving around LA looking at the community. It’s an interesting city. Sprawl is part of being American. People want to have their little half-acre. But, it’s amazing the scope of the sprawl and where people decide to live. The hills are gorgeous, but so much of Los Angeles is in the valley and each one of those communities has their charm. It just seems so far... far from work, far from nightlife, far from the water. Needless to say, there are redeeming qualities to LA, but all-in-all, it’s not my first choice for a visit or a lifetime. Not unless I have a ton of money burning a hole in my bank account. Too many small communities that act big. Too much of nothing in the middle. Too much traffic. The weather was good though... No horrible hot summer days like Austin. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=138http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=138 http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=137http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=137 Back to the Blog I know I only seem to have time to blog when I’m single. It’s kind of true. I suddenly have more time alone and I get all introspective. I really did have time to write when I was with Sara. I mean, I waited endlessly for her to show up for things, so you’d have thought that I would have had a chance to blog. I think the problem with blogging is that you need a clear head to keep it up and my problem was all the clutter I was getting in my life from that poor relationship. It’s one thing to have time. It’s another to be spending that time wondering where the hell the other person is and when they will finally arrive to have dinner, hang out or whatever. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=136http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=136 10 years of Goblin I laid to rest my kitty in August. He was only 10, which seems far to short a time to have known such a sweet kitten. His last few months could have been better. I regret holding on to him as tightly as I did. He deserved a good life and I did the best I could at times, but I know I could have done better for him. Part of that would have been letting him go earlier. Regardless, he is loved and missed. I only hope that when I’m ready for another cat, I can find a kitten that shows me as much love and devotion as Goblin. Jingie certainly does. Goblin came into our lives with the name Norman. This somehow didn’t fit a lanky juvenile long-haired grey tabby, but when we brought him home, we still didn’t have a better name. I had named all the kitties before. Both Banshee and Jingie had names that somehow seemed to fit, but it wasn’t my right to name this one. I ended up naming him regardless. When we gave the kitties treats to familiarize them with each other, the new, smaller cat somehow managed to make an in-air, in-mouth steal of Jingie’s treat. I’m still uncertain of exactly how it happened. Regardless, between that move and his extremely interesting growl-purr while eating, I couldn’t resist calling him Goblin. B agreed. He quickly became the most beloved cat I’ve ever met. He endeared himself to people that were afraid of, or disliked cats. He ruled the roost and was somehow a comic genius. I’ll never forget the night he turned off the lights during a particularly late DnD game or how he loved to knock the ornaments off the Christmas tree (his favorites were the highly fragile glass balls coupled with a direct drop onto the brick hearth). Despite being in charge, he was somehow palatable to both Banshee and Jingie. No mean feat in a house with Banshee. How loving was he? Well, I recall coming home from our first trip to Europe to a cat that demanded attention, not only attention but connection. I was exhausted and took a nap. He curled up with me, of course. I awoke to this cat actually under the covers with a paw on my face. His purring was so loud it woke me. He made his little kitty smile, grabbed my face gently with his paw and went back to sleep. I did too. He travelled like a champ. Like all cats he didn’t care for it, but he seemed to know that I was always going to be there with him. Few cats can say they’ve been to France and back. I think he helped make Jingie less nervous for both trips. Certainly, I think the two boys bonded. Jingie is now very needy and has taken on some seriously Goblin-like tendencies (Jingie now understands and acts upon the “show me” command that I started with Goblin). Goblin wasn’t a genius and he had some serious kitty quirks, but he was very smart about people. My favorite quirk was about food. He always thought with his stomach. If he could see the bottom of his food dish, even if it was still mostly full, he would let you know. He often pushed the dish into the hallway to show you it was empty. If that subtle play didn’t work, he’d come get you, yelling about it and getting me to follow him to the offending dish. However, that wasn’t the funniest. Never to be completely sated, this cat actually thought he was entitled to people-food. I’ll never forget sitting at the table one day eating and chatting when he hopped up in the chair to my right. He always did that, wanting to grab something off a plate. (We did knick-name him “Big Paw” for thieving abilities of his right paw). This time I noticed that he put his elbows on the table, just his elbows. What was hilarious was realizing that he was mimicking me: I had my elbows on the table while I ate and chatted. How can you stop him, if you’re doing it? His last evening, he sat at the table like that. It was one of his trademarks. Some animals like people food because it’s different. Some like it because it’s tasty. Goblin was a snob. He started out on bits of chicken and turkey that we both dropped for him. He got spoiled with steak occasionally. But, it was something else that seemed to make him the happiest: duck. Jingie couldn’t care less about steak or duck. He’s purely a chicken and turkey kind of kitty. Goblin went nuts for duck. He would nearly climb your leg to get it (and when he was 20lbs of kitty, that was a little unnerving). Needless to say, I felt compelled to serve duck on his last evening. He was a unique and wonderful kitty. He is very missed. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=135http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=135 Premium-enough As a student of human behaviour, I like to think that I occasionally recognize a trend that allows me to understand people and markets better. For the last few years, I’ve noticed a trend with consumer products that I think reflects several human needs and explains a lot of the troubles that companies have. I call the phenomena “Premium-Enough”. The concept is pretty simple: as people become more wealthy, they desire to spend their wealth on things that they see as premium or having premium value. In many cases, this is brand that had a premium place in childhood or early adulthood. I take for example, in my childhood Volvo, Jaguar and BMW were all premium brands of automobiles and Waterford was the premium brand for crystal. Today, Jaguar has dropped in the market, Volvo has been downgraded a bit and only BMW is still premium. Waterford and the related Royal Doulton are nearly bankrupt from over-expansion. Why? Here’s the way I see the story going... A company has a truly premium product that for years is hand-crafted or carefully made. Then one or both of the following happen. The company shifts production to something somewhat less expensive. Or, economically, the companies product becomes less expensive to produce, develop or sell. In some cases, this is simply the expression that people who found it premium at one age can afford more of it at a later stage in life because of disposable income. Whatever happens, more people now purchase more of the product. Think about the crazy purchases of Swatch watches in the late 80’s. The fad burst out and Swatch thought they ha’ d a great trend going until the bottom fell out. I personally know someone with an overly large collection of Waterford crystal. Waterford, as with many companies, found it’s price point was suddenly more affordable to many in the US market. Ramping up production to support the demand, they eventually created more than the market could bear, and price was reduced further. Now, Waterford is affordable to almost every Middle-class family in the US, instead of being a luxury item. The brand has further eroded as there are now outlet stores selling factory seconds and overstock items. Now, what started all this? Well, I was looking at a woman dressed in 4-inch Coach heels and I couldn’t help but think that it was somehow wrong. Coach branded heels? C’mon... This is crap. It was enough that there were literally thousands of Coach branded purses, clutches, bags, baggage, handbags and wallets, but shoes? I think perhaps you’ve over-extended the brand. I thought you’d lost it when you took your “premium” brand to the outlet stores, but this is definitely beyond. You’re saturating your market with premium-enough products and unless you are careful, your brand has already eroded. I think there are many brands like Coach that are on the bubble, eroding or about to erode their good brand name in a myopic attempt to reap some short-term growth. Take for example Sony, Macy’s, Macaroni Grill, White ZXY Black, Starbuck’s, etc. These companies have had great brand recognition for quality. Let’s see where they go in the future. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=134http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=134 No Quarter I was doing laundry the other day and I had a roll of quarters out. I always get a couple of rolls of quarters to make sure I have plenty for laundry. And, as I always do, I was looking at each quarter. I’m curious as to what state it might represent since all 50 states have unique designs. This time, I pulled something out that wasn’t a quarter and was quite shocked. Now, I worked retail and I was used to opening rolls of coins. Even in Texas, you occasionally find a Canadian penny or a Wheat Penny in a roll of pennies. Sometimes, you even find an old nickel or a quarter that looks like a slug. So, when I felt the quarter and it was wrong, I assumed it was one of those. How odd that I’d pull out a fairly new 10 pence piece, then huh? I would just think it was strange, but how often do I talk about moving to the UK? http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=133http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=133 Urgent Desperation All around me, I feel a sense of urgency in air on major holidays and especially this St. Patty’s Day. There is this desperate urgency to get drunk and have a good time. It pervades the air like the stink of desperation surrounding the fat girl at the school dance or the nerdy guy at a frat party. People are geared up to get drunk and have fun or go down trying. I think it’s worse in the US than most places. Here, alcohol is such a controversial subject, worse in the South where alcohol is considered the devil’s tool by some of the more conservative elements. You see in high school the jocks start drinking after games, long before they legally can drink. This culture continues at university and beyond. Big parties, lots of drinking. I see nothing wrong with a good drunk. But, there is something wrong with the intensity and urgency of drinking on holidays. People who normally won’t be out drinking come out drinking. People who don’t come out for a beer after work, will suddenly feel the need to get absolutely blitzed. Why? What’s so special about the holiday? What makes that day any different from a normal, Wednesday, Friday or Saturday night? I mean, I enjoy going out with friends and having a good time, but why the intense need to get so freaking drunk that you can’t remember half the shit you did? I would much rather go out on a regular night and enjoy some time chatting with my friends, have a few drinks and get home at a reasonable (even if late) hour than endure the crowds of drunks urgently desperate to have a good time because of the holiday. But, maybe, that’s just me. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=132http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=132 Karma I have lately been reflecting on my good fortune and the role that karma plays in it. I feel very fortunate lately and in some ways unworthy of my good fortune. My career is going well, I have a nice new apartment, excellent friends, great family and a great many personal possessions. This all seems too much, especially all at once. Last year was difficult but I was still fortunate enough that only my career and financial life was damaged. I could bemoan the loss of my girlfriend but that is her own karmic debt to worry over. So, how can I be so lucky and, to be trite, there are still starving children in Africa? I have no idea. I can’t possibly explain the vagaries of the world or why people seem to start off with more or less in life. I think we all start off with potential, but our environment, our beliefs, our experience, etc. help us or hinder us along the way. Everyone has some karma portioned out by the Universe. I won’t even try to fathom why some people start off with more or less. It’s more important to understand what to do with it. For me, I feel like it’s important to spend karma wisely. To me, there are ways karma is earned, given, borrowed and stolen. Earning karma seems easy: give back to the world, live your life right and filled with kindness to the Universe. It seems pretty common sense, give back to the world that gives you life everyday, help those you can and live your life based on your own positive values. I don’t think there is a fixed amount of karma in the world. I think the more you give, the more that it is given out. Karma is like information, you share it and everyone learns, you share karma and everyone benefits. Regardless of whether or not you think it comes back to you, sharing karma enriches the world and I do it gladly. Maybe it earns me something, maybe not. But, I do feel a bit fortunate in my life right now and I feel committed to giving back: donations to Red Cross, Capital Area Food Bank, and the Austin Zoo and volunteering at Zilker Botanical Gardens. On the flip-side, I think some people are Karma-sinks, they consume karma to keep themselves going. They lean on people for their daily existence, siphoning the karma out of other people to live. The live off of the kindness of family, friends and strangers and either cannot or will not contribute to the overall karma pool. Everyone as a child does this. Children are needy and completely dependent on others. This is normal. When they grow up, they have the opportunity to contribute to the world as all adults do. My beef is with adults that know right from wrong and still suck down the goodwill of other people to fuel their own lives. No one wants to have someone dependent on them. No one wants someone that they cannot lean on for support and that they must always support, whether it is anxieties, disabilities, psychosis or something else that is used as a crutch for not contributing. While it’s nice to be needed, it’s not nice to have it be completely one-sided. I have met several people in my life that were karma-sinks, and I must admit, I think I was one for quite sometime. It’s hard to accept one’s responsibility in the world, do the hard things and give back, but I think it’s the most rewarding. Regardless of abilities, skills, experience or problems, everyone should contribute in order to receive. There is a gentle hum in the Universe when I give back. When I take, I feel nothing but guilt. I feel for those that cannot give, refuse to give or take out of fear, because they will never know the same connection to the Universe. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=131http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=131 A little wisdom Strangely, this is from a movie, but I really like it: You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present." http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=130http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=130 I will I will lean on my values in difficult situations... ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will tell the truth regardless of the lies told to or about me ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will work hard at everything I do ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will offer my opinion without fear of criticism or rejection. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will help people in need. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will work hard to improve myself. I know I am not perfect, but ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will try to find myself and, in that, lies true perfection. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will enjoy myself a little everyday. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will listen willingly regardless of who is speaking. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will pick myself up when I fall and ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will work even harder to stand again. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will let my actions speak for me as words are hollow and easily changed. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will be there for all of my friends and, in turn, ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will have friends that I can count on to be there for me, ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; even if I don’t think I will ever need them. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will live my life to the fullest, everyday. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will forgive those that have wronged me, and ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will keep my heart open to them for the day when they atone ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; because everyone can be forgiven. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will donate my time and my money to worthy causes because they are worthy, ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; and there are many in need. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will honor everyone regardless of who they are, and ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will treat everyone exactly as I wish to be treated. ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp;ZXYnbsp; I will be open to love regardless of how much I have been hurt in the past. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=129http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=129 Improvisation It’s always nice to have all the tools you need. It tends to make things simpler and smoother. But, life is well, real life. There is no perfect world where you get everything you want when you want it, so the best of us make do with what we have available. Case in point: tonight I had no can opener and I needed to get a can of tomatoes open or my boeuf bourguignon would we incomplete. I realize this may seem strange so let me explain said lack of can opener. I haven’t owned a can opener since I left the US. This wasn’t an issue in France because all of the tins had pull tabs. When I moved back to the US, this was also not much of an issue for several reasons. First, I waited 3 three long months to get my stuff from France after I got here. There wasn’t a can opener in the stuff, but my pots and pans were, so cooking was not happening. Second, I didn’t cook much by myself. In fact, I never cooked anything significant for the first five months I was in Austin because I lived alone and while I was dating, there wasn’t anyone to cook for. When I finally met someone and began dating and cooking for her , I had a bonus: she lived practically next door and had a can opener. Now, no longer dating her and again living alone, I’ve decided that I don’t need her to cook. Regardless, I only realized my need for a can opener after I’d started cooking and after most of the stores were closed. Okay, I have to admit here that I could have gone out and bought a cheap, regular can opener at the grocery store, but I really want a nice, clean shiny European style one that comes from a store that was closed when I started dinner. So, what does a crafty person with a penchant for making difficult dinners after 9PM on Monday night? He Improvises! I have a hammer... I have a flat head screwdriver... With a little brute force I have an open can... and, yes, a tiny mess on the counter. But, that’s better than running out and spending money on some can opener I don’t want and having dinner be late! Yes, I'm picky... http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=128http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=128 Hanging On It has been brought to my attention that I often hang on too long to a relationship. Some part of me invests myself deeply and for some reason I am unwilling to get out. It’s a problem that I need to work on, of course. But, in some cases it may be the exact opposite of problems I see with other people, where moving on happens every time the relationship hits some small speed bump. While here, I should make the confession that with one of my girlfriends, I hung on way too long to a relationship that was pretty much doomed from the start. First, Karmic paybacks are a bitch and I deserved a giant thunder hammer from karma for my actions. And, I got it. Oh, definitely did I get it. Second, we had way too large an age difference, experience difference and huge differences in needs. Third, I was the oldest and all shit rolled up to me. I made everything my fault, whether she said so or not. Oops. And, finally, because of the way the relationship started, I felt like I had to see it through. There was no dropping out of the relationship no matter how much it was torturing me because I had to prove it would work to myself and everyone else. And, there was torture: crying fights until 2-3AM, long periods of talking but not saying anything, huge misunderstandings and divergent interests and huge differences in maturity. In a way, karma whipped my ass with my own commitment to a dead relationship. I deserved it, no doubt. But, perhaps I should have learned from it? Yeah, well, I didn’t. I figured that it was a one-time thing, I was over that particular frailty, etc. I still hang on. It’s hard not to. The heady days of the initial romance are intoxicating and addictive. If your partner would just relax and let herself go back to that time, everything will work out, right? Sometimes it does. Sometimes, that happy time comes back for a bit. And, every time that happy time returns, it feeds the addiction. The next time you know you should run, you should let go and find someone that doesn’t make you insane, you remember the last happy time, you hunger for the addiction and instead you hang on. I'm trying to do myself a favor and run from the latest train wreck. But, I know, like the last one, I'll be a mess for a long time. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=127http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=127 Growing Together It’s odd when a couple is together how they grow together and become more like each other. I’ve experienced it a couple of times in my life and I think it’s a wonderful thing. B got me off my butt and out into the world. My family is a bit sedentary and isolated. I’m a far more adventurous and gregarious person because of her. She pushed me out of my comfort zone and now, I enjoy pushing the boundaries and encouraging other people to try new things and go new places. It’s something that I really like about myself and I have to appreciate that gift. I also think that she made me a Type-A traveller. Once I get someplace new, I want to go-go-go. Scuba diving is a great example of this. I eat, I dive, I sleep and then I go home. It’s so much fun. Similarly, I’ve noticed a lot of things I’ve gained from Sara. I really like running now and that was a passion of hers (Oddly, she’s not running much anymore). I also gained a great respect for social causes and volunteering. I recently spent several hours looking for volunteer opportunities in Austin. I really want to give something back, something non-monetary (although I’ll still donate to the food bank). I’ve also gotten more into the music scene. I’ve always had a passion for good music, but with Sara, she actually got me into going to live events. I’ve never been big on going out to shows and concerts (Yes, I was lame), but Sara introduced me to several cool new bands and several trance artists that I will always like. Sadly, there are downsides to growing together. I have become more dramatic since dating Sara. This has been some trouble in our relationship. I had also become more trepidatious about being completely honest and potentially hurting her or causing a fight. I have since vowed to be completely honest, even brutally so. You can’t protect someone from the truth. Lies only bring more pain, even white lies. I enjoy growing closer with someone, it makes an even greater basis for a long term relationship. And, oddly, the best relationships start with people that have admirable traits that are not in common. Once the two people grow together, these differences enhance the relationship and provide an even greater strength to the relationship. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=126http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=126 It's 4AM, again At 4AM I woke again. I hate waking at 4AM, it means something is unresolved, something is eating at me. Usually, it’s her. We’ve been arguing again. I cut her completely out of my life and she wormed her way back in. She wanted to apologize, but she’s unwilling to apologize completely. Instead, she wants forgiveness without actually committing a full act of contrition. Friday she was contrite, apologetic and cried a lot. Coupled with her email, I actually felt like maybe she was sorry for the pain she caused me. She even flirted like she wanted me back. I’m not ready for that and she shouldn’t be either. It’s too fast. Saturday, she put more distance between herself and the apology. She was no longer as apologetic, and she was defending herself. Regardless of what I said after she hurt me, her desire to defend her actions and attack me while apologizing for what she did is completely inappropriate. If I decide to forgive her, then I can apologize for those things separately. She cannot abrogate her responsibilities by pointing out my mistakes. Nor can she turn the tables on me simply because I hurt her as well. What she did was bigger and more cruel and hurtful. I have been advocating a staged return to friendship. She needs help, professional counseling. She goes back and forth, she’s incredibly inconsistent and she says things that she then contradicts the next day. In short, she’s untrustworthy at the moment. I can’t accept an untrustworthy friend. Maybe when she’s been through some counseling and can be truthful and strong will I be able to trust her enough to be friendly. I pray every night that she gets the counseling she needs. So, all this is going through my mind when I go to sleep, as much as I try to think about more pleasant things. At 4AM, I wake, I write her a sincere email hoping to persuade her that I care about her pains and want the best for her mental health. I fall back to sleep around 5AM. Unfortunately, here is where my psyche decides to mess with me: I dream about her. I wake again, from dreaming about her. The dream was so real I could feel her in my arms, could feel her lips on mine and could even feel myself sliding into her as we made love. It was an incredible dream, but depressing. And it probably means that I’ll never see her again. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=125http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=125 Running Running for me has meant a great many things: Sprinting, Running on the Soccer Pitch, Playing Football, and occasionally Exercising. I’ve never been a big “Runner”. You know the kind of person that runs 3 or more times a week for exercise, the kind that runs in competitions. Nope, I’ve never experienced the runner’s high or enjoyed “just being outside”. That is until recently. Sara got me into running. Well, really she got me out of the house and got me on the trail where I attempted to do something that vaguely resembled running. Truth to be told, I mostly went to be with her. The little exercise was counter balanced by watching her while she ran. She had the opportunity to coach me and encourage me to do more, to push myself and to develop some pacing skills. However, I think she, like all runners, lack a certain ability to think about other runners. Needless to say, I never really got above running a mile without stopping, then chugging water and walking a lot. So, where did I get on this half-marathon kick and how the hell am I doing it? I still really don’t know the answer to that, but I think I can make a start. First, I had a lot of stress in my life. If you’ve read any of this site, you kinda know what that’s all about, so repeating it here is just beating a dead horse. Second, I had a lot of free time. The layoff part of the stress gave me innumerable hours to spare and a need to kill time before I went crazy. Third, I somehow broke the wall. With the first two things pushing me and all that nervous energy, I somehow managed to run further than I had before. Part of it was energy, part of it was time, but I actually think that I didn’t care how tired I was, I needed to be more tired. So, I kept going. At first, I did a couple of miles, usually walking about as much as running. Start slowly and just keep going. My sister had already encouraged me about the half-marathon and I thought it might be a whacky goal that I could aspire to even if I never got there. Heck, I would have been happy to run 3 miles in a row without stopping (still not there yet, but I will be shortly). But, something shifted. One day, all the stress and bullshit hit a head and I just kept going... That day I ran about 3 miles of a 5.5 mile circuit and I felt good. That was two weeks ago. Today, I ran 6 miles of a 7.5 mile circuit sustaining 2 miles at a stretch. I now feel like a 3 mile stretch isn’t all that far away, a 10 mile day with a bit of walking only a couple of weeks out and that half-marathon not only a goal, but an attainable one. I’m still a long way from 13 miles, but I can see that I can do it. That’s an amazing thing for a guy that couldn’t even run the mile in high school.Somehow, this lark had turned into something bigger, more defining. I feel a little like Simon Pegg’s character from Run Fatboy Run. I feel like this is a redefinition, a resurrection of sorts. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=124http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=124 Could things get worse? Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, of course, it did. First, I picked up my kitty. My big kitty known for being big and muscular and energetic. I could feel every rib and vertebra... He’s lost weight again, probably from not eating and depression and is just barely larger than half the size he was at his peak. I thought he had dropped weight recently, but was stable. Well, yesterday I realized how much more he had lost in the last couple of days. It’s appalling... At least, I have him eating a little chicken and tuna right now. Hopefully, he’ll pull out of it and gain some weight. The second is equally appalling. I’m on unemployment, from the state of California. That in itself is an extremely long story since I live in Texas, but has meant a lot of changes for me. I had to leave my apartment because the delay between Texas benefits and California benefits was a couple of weeks that I couldn’t afford zero income. Since I moved, California needed to know exactly why I moved and how long it took. They decided that delaying benefits was required until they got a complete answer. And they took an additional two weeks to interview me on that answer. Needless to say, I’m disappointed that they now owe me nearly 2 months worth of benefits and it will probably take me almost another month to get all that money. I would have preferred staying in my apartment, thanks. I would have, too, had they paid the initial payments in time. Nothing like being at the mercy of a bureaucracy three states away... With luck, I’ll get some payout by Christmas... So, to add to my personal/girlfriend woes, we now have sick kitty issues, sick step-father and bureaucrats. I need a vacation from my unemployment... http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=123http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=123 Reconsidering Winter When I was a kid, Winter was awesome. There was snow and ice. There was playing in the snow fort. Add Christmas and New Years and you had a winning formula. I’ll readily admit that I’m cold natured and love it a little cooler than most people I know. I’ll even admit that I’m a bit of a polar bear and can handle very low temperatures on occasion. But, this year, I’m not happy that it’s gotten cold. This is strange to me. I’m not overly fond of hot summers, but for the last two years, I’ve really enjoyed swimming on a nearly daily basis. Summers would get hot, but it was nice to cool off in the pool. There were bad days where I couldn’t get out and bike or run. There were days where even going outside meant changing shirts and that gets old pretty quickly. In fact, I worry about global warming, because too much heat for too long is as depressing to me as Winter to most people. But, I find myself not hating Summer as much. Before Thanksgiving, I started an exercise program, bicycling three days a week. When the weather is nice, it’s a beautiful trek through several parks and residential areas. Last week, I nearly froze to death in the first mile because there were tons of trees and no sunlight during a freak early-season cold snap. Once the sun came out, I was fine. I realized that I want a more Spring-like environment. I once loved Winter, but I’m realizing that I do like being able to get out and do things. It’s not always freezing cold in Winter in Texas, but I realized I don’t want a white Thanksgiving, just a chance at white Christmas and beautiful Springs and Autumns. I’d really like a slightly cooler Summer than here in Texas, but I’ve realized that I can live with it if I get the opportunity to enjoy the outdoors in some way: swimming, biking, running, or canoeing. I think I’ll take the mild Winters, even though it cuts back on my biking a bit right now. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=122http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=122 I miss Austin I realize that I’ve only been away for three weeks. And I realize that I was back two weeks ago. But, I now realize that I really miss Austin. DFW is fine. There are nice museums, botanical gardens and zoos here. There’s also nothing fun to do in a 20 mile radius. Living in Grapevine is the essence of being a soccer mom and I’m a guy. Here you’ve got professionals with money, big houses and expensive cars. They have pretty much everything. So, they don’t go anywhere except to, well, soccer games (or football games). It’s nice and quiet... and boring. Now, DFW is a big city, right? There must be tons of places to go, right? Well, there are, but they are all spread out. I can go hang out in Arlington at the one decent bar there... Sadly, I’ve been doing that off and on for nearly four years and I’m tired of it even though it’s 15 minutes aways. I could go to Fort Worth and hang out at Sundance Square. Again, been there, done that. Repeatedly. And, while I occasionally have fun, I’m usually bored. And, it’s thirty minutes away. Dallas is another difficult one. There is simply too much of it. There are cool places to go, but getting a group together to head over there is difficult. And, then meeting someone over there, you might be meeting someone from the other side of Dallas. No thanks. I really miss Austin. It was small enough and big enough, there were good fun local places to hang out and downtown was not all that distant. In fact, you could go have fun downtown, come home and change, and still make a late party up town without any difficulty. I know, I’ve done it. I have a convenient sports bar in Austin, a goodly number of single friends and there’s a large number of young professionals there to date, not to mention my favourite clothing store (the only location in Dallas is 30 miles away and half the selection). So, why have I been complaining about Austin since I got there? Well, I missed my friends in Europe, a lot. I missed Europe, a lot. I missed warm, not nuclear, Summers. Of course, now that it’s Winter, I don’t miss the cold of Europe so much. Heck, two weeks ago I got to eat outside at night in Austin. Can’t do that in late November in Lille. And, while I miss my Summers in France and England, I’m sure there is a way to deal with the insane heat in Austin. I mean, heck, I survived the hottest Summer on record last year, right? It can only get better. I miss my friends in Austin and all the things we did and could do. I’m not sure if I want to stay in Austin permanently, but I can definitely say that I miss it right now and I’m looking for any way to get back there. Who knows, maybe I’ll want to stay there forever. There certainly are some nice places to live. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=121http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=121 Cat Food Capers At 6:30 this morning I was awakened by a crunching sound. It was followed by the sounds of someone messing with a plastic grocery bag. Then another crunch, this time definitely the crunch of heavy plastic. It didn’t take me long to realize that my kitties were obviously dissatisfied with the food in the bowl and had decided to help themselves to the fresh food I brought home yesterday evening. Knowing that my boys are persistent and, like boys everywhere, messy, I knew I had to get up to avoid a gigantic mess. Flipping the lights on, I see Jingie slink under the bed while Goblin crouches down behind the bag. There’s nothing like a 15lb cat trying to hid behind a tiny grocery bag, especially when his front paws are still inside the bag, resting on the food. Now, I must explain that I had purchased both a new bag of food and a bag of what I consider the equivalent of kitty junk food. You know what I mean, it’s one of those nationwide brands that was formulated before nutrition was an issue. Goblin thinks it’s pure ambrosia and Jingie will happily eat an entire bag of this junk food like I’ll chow down on a bag of white cheddar popcorn. This affects the intensity with which I was immediately loathed when I grabbed the bags and shoved them under the bathroom sink for later. Neither cat came back to bed for at least an hour. When I did decide to treat the kitties with the new food, it was an event. The moment I pulled the bag from the bathroom, I was a celebrity and there was much kitty discussion of my greatness. Goblin in particular let me know that I had the power in my hands, as he watched every movement of the sacred food bag. I must admit that I had a little fun at his expense, swinging the bag back and forth and watching the poor kitty run back and forth following it. His cries of happiness when I opened the bag, soon gave way to crunchy noises and purrs of contentment as he vacuumed the food up like it was his last meal. The only problem: I had to pick him up and physically restrain him after a few minutes, because I was absolutely sure that he’d overeat and puke. Needless to say, that bowl was empty by this evening. Further, there was a determined effort from Goblin to persuade me to fill it up from the moment I came through the door. He’s insatiable for junk food. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=120http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=120 Exercise With Christmas looming and my suddenly single need to both trim down and burn off a lot of excess mental energy, I have been working out more. I had already found a nice bicycling route that starts not far from here and runs through several parks along the creek. I had the opportunity to ride the route a couple of times in the last two weeks and was pretty sure that I had mapped it out to about 6 miles round trip, using google maps to guess the equivalent route on the streets. You’d think google would be close... Then, I went out with my brother-in-law and found out that I was rather far off... It’s actually 12 km round-trip or about 7.5 miles. This is good... I’ve been making the trip 3 times a week and at this rate, I should be able to add on a couple of miles easily the next time I go out. The only risk right now is that it’s freezing and the wind chill while riding is pretty severe. Which begs the question should I just run it? My sister is training for a half-marathon in March. I’m actually tempted to join her and her friend. It’s an interesting goal, because I’ve never really been a distance runner. I typically start out at a pretty fast clip and tire myself and I’ve never really run more than two or three miles at a time. Even three miles has been a bit of a chore, so a half-marathon would be a big accomplishment. It's definitely something I should do, just to say I have. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=119http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=119 Anxieties I’ve lived the past year with someone very anxious and it has affected our relationship, my patience with anxieties and my observance of people with anxieties. They are rampant, both within my family and outside. I feel for people that live their lives in the fear and powerlessness of anxieties. I myself have occasionally be anxious and through some dedicated focus and self awareness have gotten over most of them, so I feel like I can discuss them somewhat objectively. First, anxieties by their nature are selfish. The person worries about something or someone. If it’s something, then it has a direct impact on the sufferer and is absolutely personal and self interested. Constantly worrying about something makes it even more a part of your life, but, whatever it is, it is selfish. Now, take anxieties about another person. These, on the surface, look noble because the fear is for someone else. However, the fear is your own. Suddenly, the safety of that person is all about you, not that person. You’ve taken your own fears and anxieties, applied to that person and then drawn attention back to yourself by broadcasting the anxiety to everyone that will listen. Case in point, someone in my family worries about me getting home safely, so I have to call to reassure that person that I’m safe. They’re worry now translates into me changing my natural actions and outweighs my own actions. Clever, huh? Second, anxieties are about control. Not having control, needing control and fearing being out of control of a situation or person. There is only the illusion of control in this world, either god has it, or it’s all random coincidences. Either way, no one has any control over anyone else, except through love, manipulation and choice. It’s hard for a lot of people to grasp and accept the lack of personal control of events. They bop through life reacting to everything, and it scares them that they could end up reacting to something bad. Anxiety is this fear. And, anxiety is about trying to control the uncontrollable, by fearing it and manipulating people and with this fear. Acceptance of this lack of control, enjoying the ride and planning your life are all ways to get rid of these anxieties. The hardest is accepting that you have control over your own emotions and actions, nothing more. Anxiety is a choice, you chose to let fear take you and you choose to worry and worse communicate these worries so that people are manipulated into acting to prevent the feared out comes. Third, anxieties are about (too little) self-confidence. If you’re afraid about someone or something, then typically, you are not confident that you can overcome the issue or the ramifications of it happening. Once someone is confident in themselves, they understand that there is nothing that cannot be overcome. Anxieties have no effect on a confident person. On the flip side, someone with weak self-confidence is extremely prone to anxiety, even if that person thinks they are a confident person. Often false confidence and bravado hides someone terribly torn by anxiety. Anxiety sufferers never live in the present. They concerns are about the past or the future, never the hear and now. One anxiety might be about a mistaken word or phrase or action that might have been misinterpreted by someone else. The fear of this misinterpretation or miscommunication is such a powerful force that the anxiety drowns out all current events. Once something is done, it’s done. One cannot dwell on the past only mend the fences if (and only if) they are broken. Obviously, a focus on the past prevents living in the present. Now, what about fear of the future. My favorite phrase for that is “Clearing away the wreckage of the future”. I think that says it all. One focuses so much on the possibilities of bad things happening, agonizes over the potential for pain and hurt, fears this pain and hurt more and ends up constantly focused on things that probably never will happen. Certainly, this does not allow the person to live in the present and does not allow the person to enjoy their life. I mean, how can someone truly have fun today, when they are worried about the potential for pain and suffering in their future? What’s worse about this anxiety than any other is that it stifles the person, makes them afraid to try new things or even do things with friends because the fear of failure and worry of pain outweighs any potential benefits that the person could possible realize. My experience with people like this is that they stay at home, even when they had fun the last time you dragged them out. I feel for people with anxieties, because even the anxieties often keep them from seeking help. Most of the anxious people I have met in my life are also very private and afraid of other people looking down on them or disrespecting them for needing help. The truth of the matter is that everyone could be a happier, more well-adjusted person and that no one of any value would begrudge someone the opportunity to improve themselves through counseling. The anxious fear of negative reactions from friends or, especially family is often the biggest stumbling-block for those with anxieties, preventing them from seeking the help they need and exerting pressure on them to only go briefly and “feel better quickly”. This is the height of fallacy, as the more anxious someone is, the more likely they are to fear the stigma of counseling. I loathe that. People have the right to pursue happiness and that starts with being able to handle the stress of life. Go get a counselor now, if your anxieties rule you! http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=118http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=118 Superstition Every once in a while I get a little superstitious. Sometimes, it’s just wishing on stars. Sometimes, I follow my horoscope like it was the bible. Sometimes it’s magpies. Rarely, do any of my superstitions actually change anything in my life, but they give me something to hold on to or hope for. I mean, rarely does a horoscope say “You will be dumped today” or “Expect a dangerous car crash”. It’s positive and at least gives you something to think about as you go through your day, especially in stressful situations. My current problem is that I have a negative symbol. You see the day she said “I love you”, I bought a set of bamboo plants. For over a year now, I’ve tended them as best I can, which generally means I didn’t attempt to kill them and haven’t killed them through stupidity, lack of watering or failure to place them near sunlight. They have waxed and waned in tune with the relationship: when we broke up for a time last year, the one of the three stalks started to wither. It collapsed nearly to the rocks in which they are all planted, then stopped. I wouldn’t read too much into it, but we got back together and just when I thought about replacing the withered plant, it recovered enough to create new leaves at the lowest healthy point. Why is this all important? Well, the plant has been healthy for almost a year now and, while the relationship has been on and off, the plant has stayed healthy. However,both the relationship and the plant had a major setback in the last week. She dumped me and while we were arguing on the phone, my cat, Goblin, destroyed an entire set of leaves. He repeated his destruction to another set of leaves a few days later, also while I was on the phone with her. Despite that, the withered stalk seems healthy enough. However, another stalk is withering, yellowing from top to bottom. So, I ask, what is the omen? Does this plant symbolize her love for me? When is the relationship truly done for? When all three wither? When all three die? When one of them dies? Should I try extreme measures to rescue the plant? Or, does the death of the plant symbolize the death of the futility of the relationship and the beginning of something new? I suppose I’ll know if the plant actually fails, or if is somehow survives. Or, perhaps, this means absolutely nothing... Hindsight is 20-20... http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=117http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=117 Insomnia For the first time in my life I can sympathize with insomniacs. I’ve always empathized with them; it sucks not to be able to get a full night’s sleep. But, for the first time, I’ve really experienced the overwhelming symptoms of insomnia and can actually feel and identify with the issues. (Well not really the first time, I’ve done this before, but this is the first time I’ve actually been able to write about it coherently.) First, there’s the stressor. Whatever it is, be it work, money, relationships, school, or being dumped, it occupies your mind. You can’t let it go, no matter how much you want to. You are obsessed with it and it is a part of you now. You go through every aspect of it, backwards and forwards, left and right, up and down, until you’ve torn the whole thing apart and yourself as well. You know you need to stop, but you can’t and that scares you. Worse, your subconscious works against you, often bringing you dreams of your obsession because your conscious mind has been working on the obsession too much. The best thing I have found so far is substitution, but that only goes so far. You try to imagine another world, another place, and you substitute this for your obsession. I have mixed results falling back into sleep from here, because of the following: Then, there’s crazy legs. For some reason, all my joints tighten up, when I’m obsessing, like I’m naturally tense. I stretch my muscles only to have them tighten again as my mind is occupied by my obsession. I stretch, take deep breaths and try to ease back into bed. I’ve found thrashing just makes me more nervous and awake. Once I get into a comfortable position, fully stretched, I’m fine for a bit and may even drift off to a light dream or into my substitute, but then comes the next issue. Any random noise or movement in the bed awakens me like lightning. My cats are notoriously good sleepers, often not moving a muscle all night (which can often create backaches for me), but when I’m obsessing about something, they seem to twitch and eat and drink and nuzzle me for comfort all night. Just those slight movements are enough to jolt my mind back toward the obsession as if my obsession was some sort of misplaced ground state. I know my boys do it to comfort me, but often it has the opposite effect. Noises are worse. The cats figure the house is awake, so they eat and drink. The little licking sounds from the water dish and the crunch of munching kibble sends me right over the edge and back to my obsession. I’ve moved the bowls because I know this is going to be a problem for a while. The rest of the house is another matter... Right now, I live with my parents and they don’t help the situation. In fact, I think they are worse than the Chanting Monk I had living next to me in Austin. He only chanted 5 times a day and was usually pretty rhythmic sounding a bit like an out-of-whack ceiling fan through the walls. My insomnia tends to hit me about 4AM, when I dream. So, by 5 or 6 AM, I’ve usually gotten up and peed a couple of times, stretched out and might even be ready to sleep a couple of hours before getting up and meeting the day. However, they get up at 5 or 6AM, even on the weekend. So, about the time that I’m mentally ready to try to finish out a good 8 hours of sleep, I get the noises of them waking up: the startup of the coffee maker, the plink of glass as they empty the dishwasher, the squeal of their pantry doors and, of course, the inevitable conversation or cat scolding. Every little noise they make is like someone poured cold water on me. I wake from whatever half-dream, near-sleep I was having and go back to my obsessing. I know I’ve slept through these little noises many times before. I know I’ve slept with cats moving all night long. I know I’ve slept on the airplane with children crying, flight attendants moving and everyone around me eating (yes, I’ve slept through both meals on a flight to Europe, once). I know none of these things are causing me to lose sleep, but that doesn’t help me sleep any better and it doesn’t prevent me from getting grumpy with everyone and everything “keeping me awake”. I know what I need to do is deal with the root cause of my sleeplessness: me and my obsession. I know I need to talk to friends, family and probably a counselor because when I’m not anxious about something I sleep 10, 12, 14 and, yes, even 18 hours at a time, like a bear hibernating. I feel for Sara because I know she struggles to get sleep and I know she struggles with all sorts of anxieties, that I’m sure are at the root of her insomnia. I’ve been awakened by her thrashing around looking for a comfortable position. I’ve seen her lash out and been lashed out at when things move or make noise and it jostles her awake. I know that some of her anxieties about me and “us” were about her sleep with me and my cats. And, it pains me to say that I probably was not as supportive as I should have been with her insomnia. I regret that, because I never meant to push her away and I really am willing to take the cats and go sleep elsewhere when her insomnia is at it’s worst. I understand her pain and I want the best for her. I am happy that she’s looking into ways to deal with her anxieties and I think that will help her sleep better. Now, if I can just let my anxieties about her go, I might get some sleep... http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=116http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=116 Salt It’s perhaps the most widely used spice used to season food. It’s ubiquitous in kitchens world-wide, probably since the dawn of time. It is a necessary chemical in the human body, an electrolyte used for nerve conductivity and muscular contraction. It is considered sacred, auspicious and lucky by various cultures all over the world because it flavours and preserves food... And I’ve had too much... Dinner with my parents utilizes all five food groups: meat, “veggie”, butter, potatoes and salt. Sometimes, rolls are substituted for potatoes. Sometimes, we have mexican so there is corn chips instead of potatoes. You get the drift... Salt is a full-fledged component of dinner. I have seen my parents salt tomatoes and watermelon. I have seen them salt chips with salt already on them and I have seen them salt food without tasting it. Needless to say, I notice the preponderance of salt, lately. Why? Because I’ve had too much. If I have to get up and get more water to wash down dinner, then there is too much salt on it. Actually, when I fail to taste the meat and decide to forgo giving it to my cats because I fear for their kidneys, there’s too much damn salt in it. I need a job so I can get back to a low-salt, low-butter, veggie-laden diet. I try here, but I don’t always cook. Please, someone, give me a job... Preferably a long way from salt. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=115http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=115 It's 4AM It’s 4AM and my dreams have forced me awake as they have every day this week. This morning is stranger than most, the dreams that waken me are still with me. I see her face, her beautiful smiling face, looking back at me. I wake, my lips extended in the act of kissing, somehow feeling her lips brushing mine as we embrace. But, she’s not there and maybe will not ever be. My heart falls, my dreams have failed me once again. They have conjured a false feeling of her presence, a poltergeist kissing me when I want the reality. If only I could hold her again, if only I could touch her. If only she would hold me in the middle of the night, my pleasant dreams would no longer wake me, but allow me to sink deeper into her arms. I miss her. At 4AM, I miss her the most. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=114http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=114 A Thanksgiving to Remember I try to focus on the positive aspects of the world, even when I am aware of all the negatives. Sometimes, you get into a position where those negatives seem overwhelming. I'm taking a page out of Rudyard Kipling by picking myself up and dusting myself off, but I will share the current level of stress in my life. First, I've been out of work since April. While this has troubled me, it hasn't stopped me from being a positive person. I ran out of unemployment in October but at the time I had several interviews and felt like I was only a few weeks from starting back on my feet. That changed. Second, when my unemployment ended, I was eligible for Federal, but there was a wrinkle... When I came back from France, my company brilliantly had me employed in California, despite always living in Texas. This means that I have wages and unemployment insurance in California. In addition to them having an antiquated system for handling unemployment claims, they are understaffed and have massive unemployment. Needless to say, there has been a gap in my benefits that has caused me serious financial problems. My family has been great, they've even taken me in when my lease ended and I couldn't stay in the apartment anymore because it was leased out. Unfortunately, that means my cats and I are living in somewhat smaller conditions that previously and it's becoming a bit tight in there. The big blow came this week. My girlfriend, who I truly adore decided that, despite all her previous protestations to the contrary, we needed to break up. She's done this before, but, I somehow think that the day before Thanksgiving is a pretty significant day to break up. I know she needs time on her own: there have been times when she wasn't really in the relationship and there are personal things she needs to focus on. But, she's been hugely important to me and the loss of her at this time has taken an already bad situation and pulled the rug out from underneath me. So, with all this what do I have to be thankful for? Well, I have good friends all over the world. Quite a few here, as well. I have some hope that maybe this situation won't last forever. Maybe I'll have a job. Maybe I can start over again. Maybe it will get better, soon. I can only hope. Finally, I'm writing again. Some part of me wants to write professionally. Maybe this will be a turning point and I'll get one of my novel ideas written. All-in-all, I have my health, I have a place to live and my bills will get paid. I have everything I need but the love of a good woman. Eventually, I'll have that too, I hope. I'm just impatient. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=113http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=113 http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=112http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=112 Feeling like a shelf of books I feel like I sleep tightly bound between two enormous bookends. Every night, my two rather large cats insist on sleeping as close to me as they can possibly get, limiting my movement and sandwiching me between them. They refuse to sleep on the same side of me. No, that would be way too convenient and, eek, they might actually touch each other. So, night after night, I fall asleep crushed by two enormous felines intent on ensuring that I don't roll off the bed or roll over or move in the slightest. Essentially, large furry bookends... Oh, and did I mention how hot it gets between two fat cats? Lets just say that I'm comfortable when it is a) cold outside and b) the window is open. Otherwise, I sweat... Sweet kitties, eh? http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=111http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=111 I love my Mac I just bought a new mac and I have to say that I don't think I've ever been happier with a new computer. Granted, new stuff is always exciting but this is particularly fun for me. I've been using a mac off and on for a few months with my former job, but I never actually owned one, or completely converted to it. Now, here I am writing on my own mac and loving it. I could go into all of the little things I love, but I'll just say the simplest thing that makes me happy: it works, always. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=110http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=110 Less than meets the eye - Transformers I so wanted the second Transformers movie to be good. I mean, I loved the Transformers when I was a kid and now, with all the digital technology, it should have been exceptional. It wasn't. I'm normally not an extremely picky person. I tend to go to a movie and attempt to suspend disbelief just for the entertainment value. I like a good movie, a lot. In fact, I would love to watch a good movie everyday if I could. So, when I saw the large number of basic film-making flaws in the new Transformers, I was appalled. First., Geography: Jordan and Egypt don't touch. It may seem like they are really close together, but there is an entire Hebrew nation and a disputed Palestinian state between them. I think those people might object a little to being ignored for all the necessary border crossings, customs checks and several hundred miles of their own countries in between. Maybe that's just me... Okay, here comes the nerd in me... the carrier launches F-18's. The film shows F-16's in bound on the target, that eventually launch. In addition, F-22's and A-10's show up miraculously in the fight. I'm not sure, but that makes no bloody sense to me. To add to that, I do believe that the tanks on hover/landing craft appear on site before the aircraft! Um, hovercraft, damned slow... Aircraft, really fast... I won't even go into the fact that Cairo and the Pyramids are so far inland that it would take hours for the tanks to arrive from the coast... Now, 9000 fathoms is a long way down... Like 54000ft, as I recall, that's deeper than the deepest part of any ocean. Maybe Army guys are bad with nautical terms but I think a General could get that number somewhat correct.... Don't you? So, I know I'm a bitchy nerd, but the actual plot was pathetically simple. Wow, Egyptian pyramids contain the symbols... Why just Egypt? Weren't they on other pyramids too? That was in the script... They just didn't bother to explain it. Why the weak script? Shouldn't they explain the history a little more? Megatron isn't the "big" bad guy? Starscream escaped last movie? I saw the opportunity for a great movie with a grand mystery and instead, it was linear, boring and full of special effects. I like special effects, they make the story seem real, but only if the story seems real to begin with. Once again, Michael Bay has provided us with a steaming pile of dog turds. I don't feel like I've wasted my money so much as given it to the wrong guys. Please! Someone else take over Transformers. I feel like it could be treated with the care and respect of a good movie and make even more money. As it is, I feel stupider going to these movies. http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=109http://lillelunatic.com/index.cgi?topic=109